Queen of the Castle

No, I haven’t done a 180° on you.  I’m just recalling a phrase I used a week or so ago with my husband.  I was explaining to him (and trying desperately to convince myself) that I’m the head of this household, in looser terms.  This WAHM isn’t the breadwinner of the family by any means, but I would like to think that it is my duty to be in charge of the house proper.  Problem is, I’m still having trouble convincing myself of that, especially when I’m being bossed around by a 3-year-old, among other things.

I don’t know if it’s a sad thing to think of maintaining my house as a job, but having a job made me feel important.  Yes, I feel important, for the most part, in my daughters’ lives.  I say “for the most part” because, if you read the previous post, you’ll understand at this point I’m not feeling very important at all.  (Although, I am doing a bit better and not as “paralyzed” as yesterday.)  I worked for at the same organization for 15 years.  Since having my first daughter, I haven’t worked outside of the home, with the exception of a part-time 3 week stint for the job I’m working now, for 3 1/2 years.  It starts to do a number on you.

I’m not sure where I’m trying to go with this, other than to get something off my chest.  Maybe to explain my crash and burn from yesterday.  Maybe even to see if someone has a trick up their sleeve to make me actually believe that I run this place.  Other moms have multiple children, pets (who are practically like additional children), work from home and still find it in themselves to cook fabulous meals in their idyllic homes.  I’m not being a smart ass.   I want to know how it’s done.  I can’t say I don’t have the time, because I know I do.  When I’m down in the dumps like this, the clock ticks by ever-so-slowly.  The time is there; the motivation and/or experience is/are not.

Did I get myself in too deep?  I mean, it’s too late now.  I would normally say that I’m in it to win it (stupid, yes but truthful).  But did I?  People used to come to me for help/advice/lessons because I knew what I was doing.  Dammit, I was left in charge of buildings too many times to count.  Now I can barely tell my ass from a hole in the ground.  What the hell happened to me?  (Didn’t I ask something like that in the last post?)

Since yesterday, I’ve had quite a few people contact me, concerned for my well-being.  I thank all of you for your thoughts and apologize for your worries.  Like I said in my last post, I’ve been through worse than this.  And I’m still here.  You can’t get rid of me that easily.  I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m working on it.  Getting blindsided like that can really send you into a downward spiral right quick.  But I appreciate the love a great deal.

I think I’ve clichéd the shit out of this post, so I’ll call it quits for now.  Have to go see who is going to deliver an average dinner to my imperfect home.

~S

Falling Apart at the Seams

I feel like I’m at a breaking point again.  Oh, I’ve been at worse points than this.  But you go for so long in a manic or even mixed state and then – BAM! – you become depressed and “paralyzed”.  You know you have so much stuff that needs to be done, but none of it matters, even though part of you is willing to give it a try.  It’s just the rest of your body doesn’t know how to explain to that little percentage of you on how to get things done.

What makes it even worse is when someone sees or knows you’re upset and they practically treat you like you have the plague.  Don’t shed any tears!  Make no mention of the “D” word!  You’ll be fine!  Go take a nap or something!  No.  It doesn’t work.  Even if it did, I can’t do that with 2 children around.  There are others depending on me and I’m at my worst.  How can I possibly help them?  I do, of course, but that’s as far as I get.  My mind and body are screaming for help!

I hate this motherfucking feeling.  I was better than this.  Really.  I was.  I could say “then I had kids”, but that’s like blaming them for my faults.  Yes, I became a mom, but I’m only supposed to get better as a person because of that, right?  This is coming out all wrong.  Wrong or not, I’m not editing to make myself look better than I am.  This is me, breaking apart, throwing out whatever comes to mind.

I need help.  I need the people around me for help.  I know I’ve gotten through worse before, some of it on my own.  It just seems like it’s getting worse as time goes on, which is not a good thing for me to believe.  I want to feel needed and important again, not given a small pat on the back and sent on my way.  Don’t ignore me.  Please.

~S

Crumbling

For some reason today, I feel like my world is starting to crumble all around me.  I have no idea where this came from – I’ve been getting better at pinpointing what jump-starts feelings like this, but I can’t at the moment.  I want to curl up and cry, but for what?  Can I try to weave my way through to figure this out without boring you too much?

My husband isn’t feeling quite well and there’s nothing I can do to help him.  I feel like I’m slowing up in my work again, whether it’s from repetitive boredom or just this looming feeling hanging over me.  My daughters need me (which is priority #1), but I’m trying to get some of this work in while my husband is around.  There’s gotta be more to it than just this.  Why can’t I figure this out?

I sound so negative too, when really, I want to be positive.  Maybe I’m cycling into a depressive phase.  Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m stuck in the house because of this daily, piddly snow shit that we’ve been getting.  I’m a homebody, but fuck.  There’s only so much a girl can take.  I wanted to go out for a little while this morning to run some errands, but it just kept snowing and my mom asked me to just wait for another day to do it.  (I know I’m old enough to make my own decisions.  She just had this way about her that made me say “sure”.)

There seems like there’s more that I need to say, but I think I lost it.  Maybe I’ll be back later with something a little more uplifting.  I just gotta get out of this funk.

~ S

Clusterfucked

That sums up my brain right now.  I’m intimidated by everything that is floating through my head right now and I don’t know where to begin.  All I really want right now is to be left alone, but that’s not going to happen.  This isn’t a complaint about any of my kids, human or furry.  I just need an empty house with the possible promise to myself that I will actually do something useful around here.  But that in itself is tough to give myself.

I want the screaming and whining to stop.  I want to rip my skin off.  I want to go back several years and find that woman who had a take-charge kind of attitude that got shit done.  I want to take a nap.  I want someone to watch my kids for a few hours so I can do any of these things (minus the skin thing.)  I want my neck and back pain to go away (maybe a new bed?  Yeah, right.).  I want to get my work done.  I want to have the miracle of all miracles and have my oldest potty trained by the end of the day.  Yes, I want a lot of things.  It doesn’t end there.   This is the clusterfuck that is my life at this moment.  It’s trivial bullshit, but I’m stuck in that paralyzed mode again and my priorities are just blowing in the wind.

I don’t know what I’m really looking for here.  Almost certainly not a canned inspirational response.  I’m more of a person that needs some bluntness behind it (not too much) so that it resonates with me.  Or maybe I’m not looking for anything at all.  There’s one thing on my pile of things to do that if I could just somehow pass it off, a huge anxiety boulder would be lifted off my shoulder.  I was prepared to take care of it for about 10 minutes yesterday but I was in the middle of some other work and didn’t want to stop what I was doing.  Seemed like the right thing to do.

I think I’m starting to repeat myself (and bore you), so that’s enough from me for now.  Maybe I’ll have a more positive, less clusterfucked (love that word) post next time around.  Wish me luck…

~ S

Random

In doing some research (aka self-teaching), I came across a line about blogging that stuck in my head.  It basically said that just writing about random daily thoughts is not the key to a successful blog.  Well, for one, success, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  But two, I’m a random-thought person.  It keeps me and people around me on our toes.

Could I do a how-to kind of blog?  Possibly.  But I’m a lazy fuck.  I might come up with a life hack here and there, but nothing to write home about.  Should I write about my 15 years of experience working in a library?  I suppose, but it’s been a few years since I’ve been there and I don’t know if or how the dynamic has changed.  What about my early years of drunken debauchery?  Shit.  Everyone does that now (although I dreamed for years to do a Chelsea Handler-style book – before hers came out – because some of my stories are pretty fucking awesome.  Others may be more of cautionary tales though, like the one about The Girl vs. The Dodge Dakota.)  How about the life of a bipolar mom?  I have a better chance with that one, but not all of my thoughts are about either or both of those things.  It is a niche, for sure, and there’s no saying whether or not my blog will ultimately go that route.  I’m still feeling my way around the blogosphere.  Maybe one of my readers has an idea of what road I should follow.  Who knows?

In the meantime, why can’t I just be my random self and see where it goes?  Ha!  I can!  It’s my fucking blog! (This is where I put my slippered foot down with some force.)  And yes, I have the mouth of a sailor.  Hence the warning of a blog title.  Hopefully, you won’t hold that against me.