I was talking to my husband just a little while ago, when I almost said out loud to him “I saw my dad today.” Which, as you all know, is impossible. I don’t know why the thought popped up in my head, considering I didn’t even see anyone resembling him today. I’ve thought about him – it’s hard not to these days. But that’s okay.
I ended up telling him my thought anyway, for no reason. It kind of brought me down and I wanted to have some context, possibly to explain, in case he noticed. My eyes started to tear up but I couldn’t let myself cry. My body shook a bit, but I just couldn’t release it. In the past 3 1/2 weeks, I’ve wondered if my medications are keeping me from letting it all go. I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone by having that agonizing, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, seizure-like cry. I want it for me. Yes, I’m being selfish, but I need this. Is it really the meds keeping me from it?
No, I’m not going to go off my medications just for that. I know I need them to keep me level. But isn’t there some kind of loophole for me to go through to achieve what I want? Let me hide in my closet, with a wad of tissues and no one around so I can just have it out with myself. This is part of my grieving process.
That sums up my brain right now. I’m intimidated by everything that is floating through my head right now and I don’t know where to begin. All I really want right now is to be left alone, but that’s not going to happen. This isn’t a complaint about any of my kids, human or furry. I just need an empty house with the possible promise to myself that I will actually do something useful around here. But that in itself is tough to give myself.
I want the screaming and whining to stop. I want to rip my skin off. I want to go back several years and find that woman who had a take-charge kind of attitude that got shit done. I want to take a nap. I want someone to watch my kids for a few hours so I can do any of these things (minus the skin thing.) I want my neck and back pain to go away (maybe a new bed? Yeah, right.). I want to get my work done. I want to have the miracle of all miracles and have my oldest potty trained by the end of the day. Yes, I want a lot of things. It doesn’t end there. This is the clusterfuck that is my life at this moment. It’s trivial bullshit, but I’m stuck in that paralyzed mode again and my priorities are just blowing in the wind.
I don’t know what I’m really looking for here. Almost certainly not a canned inspirational response. I’m more of a person that needs some bluntness behind it (not too much) so that it resonates with me. Or maybe I’m not looking for anything at all. There’s one thing on my pile of things to do that if I could just somehow pass it off, a huge anxiety boulder would be lifted off my shoulder. I was prepared to take care of it for about 10 minutes yesterday but I was in the middle of some other work and didn’t want to stop what I was doing. Seemed like the right thing to do.
I think I’m starting to repeat myself (and bore you), so that’s enough from me for now. Maybe I’ll have a more positive, less clusterfucked (love that word) post next time around. Wish me luck…