I Want To Believe

Actually, it’s more than a want.  I actually believe.  I believe in something.  I’m not religious (even though I was brought up Catholic), so it’s kinda hard for me to justify this belief.  It just is.

One night, a couple of weeks ago, I was on my front step.  I was looking at a light across the street on my neighbor’s steps.  I had just seen a picture of my sister’s tattoo, in memory of my dad.  I said – out loud – “You don’t like that, do you, dad?”  The light went out immediately and then came back on.  I sat and stared hard at this light for a couple of minutes.  It was just unbelievable to me.  I went inside and told my husband.  He just looked at me, like he normally does, and that was that.

Then, last week, I was out there again.  And there was the light.  Again.  I’ve seen it many times since that night.   I don’t really remember seeing it before that night, actually, but after that, I’ve seen it almost every time I looked over there.  So I decided to give it a go.  I asked quietly “Are you there, dad?” and stared, trying not to blink.  A couple seconds ticked away.  A car came past, blocking my view for a second.  Then, it went out, coming back on a second later.  My mind justified the delay by thinking “Well, my dad knew the car was coming and wanted to wait for it to pass so I wouldn’t miss him ‘answering’ back.”  It seemed rational.

I came back in and told my husband about it.  He looked at me, a little disparagingly this time, nodded and started playing FIFA ’15.  I went off to bed, but texted my mom about it before I went to sleep.  She told me to be happy about it and I sent back that I was.  I am.  Truly.

Yesterday, I saw my neighbor and asked her what kind of lights she used to illuminate her steps.  She proceeded to show me that they were solar lights (with a back-up battery, I think).  We talked for a few minutes, but I didn’t go into why I was asking about them.  She’ll know now, of course, if she reads my blog, but she already knows I’m crazy.

Solar lights don’t go out and come back on, do they?  They would just stay out.  If it does have a battery back-up, then maybe that would be the case.  But it seems so much more than coincidental.  I’m slightly unsure, but for the most part, I do believe in the afterlife.  And I’ll keep asking that beacon questions from time to time, no matter how nuts everyone thinks I am, because I just love to bug the shit out of my dad…

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