Hemingway

You know, I thought the life of major, unwarranted anxiety was left back in my 20s. At worst, in my 30s. I thought I mostly regulated that and my bipolar disorder.

Nope.

It’s rearing its ugly head again. Actually, it’s been ramping up over the course of several months. Bad luck. Poor planning on my part. Some sneaky, not so recognizable mania. Lately some outright depression. Guilt. Worry. And to be honest, alcoholism. I actually thought to myself “I need to get online and Hemingway this issue out.” I did. And I am. Let’s not kid each other.

And now, I’m back into the guinea pig phase of medication. I thought we had a good thing going here, with very little behavioral health meds and more emphasis on “hey, you’re getting old. Here’s some supplements.” Now, we’re revisiting my old friend, Lithium. Interestingly enough, I can’t remember why I was taken off of it the first time and that makes me nervous. Which is compounding on my anxiety.

And do you know how wretched it is to have someone that you love wholeheartedly not believe you or that anxiety is a real thing? It’s almost like you are drowning and that person is just standing over you, looking, not reaching out to help you.

I just realized today that part of all of this is the fact that my oldest will be in high school next year and I’m the one not ready for that. That she is growing up so fast – and so is the younger one – and I’m not there for it all the time. That I’m the almost absentee parent by choice. I mean, I’m there for them anytime, but I’m not present all the time. It’s an awful feeling and I’m an awful parent.

But I don’t change any of this. Instead, I let it grow more and more until it’s debilitating. Paralyzing. I have just enough energy at times to go to work, to be productive, and that’s it. I live in fear of my romantic relationship ending. Not just because I feel like I found the love of my life, which is the main thing, but where will I go if it happens? I, like the majority of the country, live paycheck to paycheck on just the bills we have alone. I squandered the money I had to have fun or take care of unexpected issues. Which is, in and of itself, anxiety and depression-inducing.

And all the while, I know what I need to do to correct things. I just don’t have the energy or want to do so. I’m fighting myself every fucking day. The wall I once had for others is now built back up for me. The wall for others was knocked down by love. So, if the one that is for me is still standing strong, what does that really tell you? You guessed it. The love for myself isn’t as strong as I could hope for. I guess that’s where I need to begin….

~ S