One of Those Days

You ever have one of those days where your mind is full of stuff but it’s so jumbled, you can’t figure anything out and why your head (figuratively) hurts you so much that it makes you sick to your stomach?  Or maybe the problem isn’t a bunch of stuff but your mind has nothing going on at all and it still does that?  I’ve been having a couple of those days lately.  I’ve been taking my medicine (speaking of which…), things seem to be totally normal for me, but I can’t shake this feeling.  My heart aches, my stomach is turning and I’m on edge.

The year, on the whole so far, has been shit, starting with the loss of my dad.  Mind you, the European trip was fabulous.  But it even seems like everyone around me is under the black cloud hanging over my family’s heads.  I know I’m being vague, but I’m not getting into all of the problems going on right now, since a lot of them do not have to do with me exclusively.  I have a couple things to look forward to:  new haircut, some new ink, a beach vacation.  I’m lucky in some aspects of my life.  Time is going fast, but not fast enough.  I know I shouldn’t wish life away, but I want some of these things that will make me happy to come faster.  I guess I’m sort of in a depressed state, even though I can’t be because I need to be there for my family, who all have their own sets of problems.  I need to be strong, a guiding force, someone to lean on, someone to cheer them up.  I try.  I really do.  But life is pounding away at me without lube right now and I can’t pinpoint the reason or reasons why.

I keep finding random coins in odd places and I know my dad is around me (laugh, if you will.  I still believe it.)  But what is he trying to say or do?  I can always guess, and for the most part, be spot on to what would come out of his mouth, if he said anything at all about something.  But we weren’t normally people to sit down and have a one on one chat.  That’s what my Grandmama was for; unfortunately, I don’t have access to her wisdom either.

I can’t think of any more to write at this time – like i said, jumbled mess or totally blank.  I just want this feeling to go away and I wish someone would tell me how to do that.  Until next time, here’s hoping for better days…

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Crumbling

For some reason today, I feel like my world is starting to crumble all around me.  I have no idea where this came from – I’ve been getting better at pinpointing what jump-starts feelings like this, but I can’t at the moment.  I want to curl up and cry, but for what?  Can I try to weave my way through to figure this out without boring you too much?

My husband isn’t feeling quite well and there’s nothing I can do to help him.  I feel like I’m slowing up in my work again, whether it’s from repetitive boredom or just this looming feeling hanging over me.  My daughters need me (which is priority #1), but I’m trying to get some of this work in while my husband is around.  There’s gotta be more to it than just this.  Why can’t I figure this out?

I sound so negative too, when really, I want to be positive.  Maybe I’m cycling into a depressive phase.  Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m stuck in the house because of this daily, piddly snow shit that we’ve been getting.  I’m a homebody, but fuck.  There’s only so much a girl can take.  I wanted to go out for a little while this morning to run some errands, but it just kept snowing and my mom asked me to just wait for another day to do it.  (I know I’m old enough to make my own decisions.  She just had this way about her that made me say “sure”.)

There seems like there’s more that I need to say, but I think I lost it.  Maybe I’ll be back later with something a little more uplifting.  I just gotta get out of this funk.

~ S

Clusterfucked

That sums up my brain right now.  I’m intimidated by everything that is floating through my head right now and I don’t know where to begin.  All I really want right now is to be left alone, but that’s not going to happen.  This isn’t a complaint about any of my kids, human or furry.  I just need an empty house with the possible promise to myself that I will actually do something useful around here.  But that in itself is tough to give myself.

I want the screaming and whining to stop.  I want to rip my skin off.  I want to go back several years and find that woman who had a take-charge kind of attitude that got shit done.  I want to take a nap.  I want someone to watch my kids for a few hours so I can do any of these things (minus the skin thing.)  I want my neck and back pain to go away (maybe a new bed?  Yeah, right.).  I want to get my work done.  I want to have the miracle of all miracles and have my oldest potty trained by the end of the day.  Yes, I want a lot of things.  It doesn’t end there.   This is the clusterfuck that is my life at this moment.  It’s trivial bullshit, but I’m stuck in that paralyzed mode again and my priorities are just blowing in the wind.

I don’t know what I’m really looking for here.  Almost certainly not a canned inspirational response.  I’m more of a person that needs some bluntness behind it (not too much) so that it resonates with me.  Or maybe I’m not looking for anything at all.  There’s one thing on my pile of things to do that if I could just somehow pass it off, a huge anxiety boulder would be lifted off my shoulder.  I was prepared to take care of it for about 10 minutes yesterday but I was in the middle of some other work and didn’t want to stop what I was doing.  Seemed like the right thing to do.

I think I’m starting to repeat myself (and bore you), so that’s enough from me for now.  Maybe I’ll have a more positive, less clusterfucked (love that word) post next time around.  Wish me luck…

~ S