One of Those Days

You ever have one of those days where your mind is full of stuff but it’s so jumbled, you can’t figure anything out and why your head (figuratively) hurts you so much that it makes you sick to your stomach?  Or maybe the problem isn’t a bunch of stuff but your mind has nothing going on at all and it still does that?  I’ve been having a couple of those days lately.  I’ve been taking my medicine (speaking of which…), things seem to be totally normal for me, but I can’t shake this feeling.  My heart aches, my stomach is turning and I’m on edge.

The year, on the whole so far, has been shit, starting with the loss of my dad.  Mind you, the European trip was fabulous.  But it even seems like everyone around me is under the black cloud hanging over my family’s heads.  I know I’m being vague, but I’m not getting into all of the problems going on right now, since a lot of them do not have to do with me exclusively.  I have a couple things to look forward to:  new haircut, some new ink, a beach vacation.  I’m lucky in some aspects of my life.  Time is going fast, but not fast enough.  I know I shouldn’t wish life away, but I want some of these things that will make me happy to come faster.  I guess I’m sort of in a depressed state, even though I can’t be because I need to be there for my family, who all have their own sets of problems.  I need to be strong, a guiding force, someone to lean on, someone to cheer them up.  I try.  I really do.  But life is pounding away at me without lube right now and I can’t pinpoint the reason or reasons why.

I keep finding random coins in odd places and I know my dad is around me (laugh, if you will.  I still believe it.)  But what is he trying to say or do?  I can always guess, and for the most part, be spot on to what would come out of his mouth, if he said anything at all about something.  But we weren’t normally people to sit down and have a one on one chat.  That’s what my Grandmama was for; unfortunately, I don’t have access to her wisdom either.

I can’t think of any more to write at this time – like i said, jumbled mess or totally blank.  I just want this feeling to go away and I wish someone would tell me how to do that.  Until next time, here’s hoping for better days…

May 20, 2014 – London

Where to begin?  Even though our flight to London was delayed, we still made pretty good time getting here.  So much so, that we walked almost 12 miles today (yes, I counted.  Or rather, my phone did.)  I’m pretty fucking beat.  Yet, I’m too wired to go to bed.  I plan on getting up at 5:00 am (it’s 11:00 pm now), have breakfast at 7:30 and hopefully be out the door shortly after.

I took down a couple reminder notes throughout the day, but right now, I’m having trouble thinking about that stuff.  About the problems and frustrations Ernie was having, getting us Oyster cards for the Underground.  Or the feelings and irritations over my navigation skills (or lack thereof) in trying to find a particular restaurant.  I’m in a different country that’s going through random places of renovations, making it even harder.  (I have this problem at home too.  Why would that be different here?)  Or seeing Buckingham Palace up close.  Or about, for once in my life, not feeling homesick.  The very beginning of the walking we will be putting ourselves through over the next 7 days in 2 different cities.  Trying to take pictures without looking like a tourist but you’re damn well still going to stick out like a sore thumb anyway, or however that saying goes.  These are just some of the things running through my head simultaneously now.

We had a great first day in London.  Aside from some bad emotional moments, it was good.  Life was good.

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Now is where we come to why I’m not writing about my day here in great detail.  It has to do with my former future nephew-in-law (got that one?  Give it a minute to sink in.), whom I just unfriended and blocked (finally) on Facebook.  I’m not chronicling my vacation on FB in real time for safety reasons, but I’m still going to check my phone for notifications.  I’m half off the grid.  So, I go to check it tonight and I have 6 of them.  To tell you the truth, I can’t remember what the first one was, but I think it had something to do with our girls.  The other 5 were from him, liking months-to-years old posts that I was tagged in.  (There is a whole saga behind this that I’m not even getting into.  Boo and hiss all you want, I’m keeping it lean.)  I don’t know or understand how my niece is enduring all of this , because it’s straight up pissing me off now.  I felt bad for him, concerned for his well-being.  I mean, I still don’t want anything happening to him, but fucking let it go already.  You’re stalking now.  And harassing my family.  I don’t want to hear the sob stories anymore.  It’s enough!  You’re 28 years old.  Wake up and do something with yourself instead of becoming “that” guy.

I was on the phone with my mom about this a little while ago and she yelled at me.  It was well-intentioned because she doesn’t want this to ruin my grand vacation.  But, for the love of God, it’s 11:45 pm here, I’m drinking coffee and writing about the little fucktard, instead of my experiences today.  There.  I said it.  Ernie wouldn’t be happy with me but I can’t keep biting my tongue.  I wanted to message this boy earlier, but I got scolded, if you will, so I didn’t do it.  However, this is my journal (well, now it’s my blog) and I don’t give a shit.  Christ, look at how much room its taken up already!

What I need to do is just take my meds and go to bed.  But, for one, I told myself I would write about my day before doing so and two, I’m just furious.  I guess I just needed to get it out.

Anyway, my ultimate goal when I get back is to tell my vacation story through a photo book.  Now, I got random thoughts going through my head and it’s making me sad and a wee bit homesick.  So much for what I said earlier in the post.  I hate that feeling, the homesickness part.  It ruins my vacation a little.  but apparently not as much as this kid is doing right now.  And I’m letting him. I’m already worried enough about my family, whether I’m there or here.  I feel spent now.  I think I’m going to run outside real quick and finally go to bed.  New day, new beginnings (and possibly couture shopping too!).  I’m out. **drops mic**